Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize