his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Are these your boobs on my camera?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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