guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
