She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
