sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Terrible idea I love it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
