You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
