i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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