i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
