Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
