I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
