I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
