dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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