pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
