$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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