Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
