Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
All the doctor said was why
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
