I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
