It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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