he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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