Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
