Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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