Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
