it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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