i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
