I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
