By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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