ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
