"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize