Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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