So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
