GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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