He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
