The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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