I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
