That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
