I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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