I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
