evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
