eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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