How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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