just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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