Sry I called you an 8
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
