Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
