I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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