Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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