i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize