Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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