I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
