she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
