I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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