Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
