My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
