I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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