Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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