I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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