My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
