so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
