i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
