i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
