DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
