Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
