I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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