Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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