My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
