no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He did a backflip because drugs
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
