You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
